losing it

i've lost my edge. that is to say if i ever had an edge to begin with. in my own mind i'm an artistic, free-spirited, wandering minstrel. in my real life i'm just a wife and stepmother trying to juggle a full-time job with full-time responsibilities in the home. and when i say juggle it's more like i'm dropping all the balls and trying to pick 'em up as they go rolling across the stage while the audience guffaws at my incompetencies. i don't think i'm doing a very good job of 'juggling'...

i seldom think i do a very good job at anything. at least i'm not very good at completing anything. my life is one never-ending string of never-finished projects. some are never-started projects - just figments in my imagination that i never find the time or the inclination to put to paper or to attempt to bring to creative fruition...

i'm what you'd call an artistic tease. lots of promises and ideas but i never put out anything of value. i never deliver the finished product. it's like i spontaneously abort my material before i have a chance to deliver the full-term product of my twisted, yet spottily brilliant imagination. i'm giving myself a lot of credit there, i know. unfounded credit as of late...

what happened to the girl who could make beauty of sadness? pleasure from pain? where is the woman who trod the path of personal hell like a war-worn soldier, bloodied and bruised, but marching onward still...

must i wallow in the mire of my emotions to invoke the muse?

where is the balance between the mundane and the magical?

where can i find my voice again?

doubt not... fear not...

there are times when i doubt myself. in fact, i doubt myself a lot though not as much as i used to. and i have tendencies to doubt others as well...

and then there's fear...

which comes first? doubt? or fear?

and how do we 'fear not'? and are there some things we should fear? and when does that type of fear cross over into something that's irrational?

i've just had a lot of things going through my mind lately...

maybe i'm just tired...

productive member of society

i am once again a productive and contributing member of society and am gainfully employed. i got a call tuesday afternoon a few hours after i posted the last blog entry. the diagnostic imagining department would like me to join their team and i will be starting the new job on monday, july 9th...

good news. but i'm nervous. i know i can do the job, but coming from a job i loved and excelled in, i hope i can find some sense of accomplishment and challenge. no more free trips to mexico on the company if i do a great job and meet my goals. i'm gonna miss that...

and i already miss my co-workers. they were wonderful...

but i don't want to dwell in the past. i can remember it fondly, but have to keep in perspective that it is my past. this is my present and the future is what i will make of it...

so, it's off to start another new chapter in this book of my life...

snap out of it

so i had two interviews last thursday. both of them were for clerical positions with the hospital system here in newport. one for the diagnostic radiology department and the other for the internal medicine department...

it is now tuesday and i haven't heard back from either of them. i am not used to rejection regarding employment and am not having a lot of patience waiting to hear something back. i am afraid i'm going to end back up at wal-mart and while i'm not too good to work at wal-mart if i have to, i don't want to. i've been there done that and have too many great skills that will go unused as a cashier...

so i think maybe i should start my own business. but what would i do? what am i passionate about that would fly in newport, oregon?

just what am i passionate about? i don't know that i'm passionate about anything right now. i don't play my guitar much anymore. or sing. and i don't write often at all. i can't remember the last verse i wrote. i just feel inadequate in a lot of aspects...

and i don't know what i need to do to snap out of it...

going coastal

this is my first attempt to write since moving to oregon. it's actually my first chance to write since right before the wedding. this is an amazingly wonderful, yet stressful, change in my life... getting married... quitting my job... moving to the oregon coast... becoming an 'insta-mom'...

the majority of my time is spent organizing and unpacking. trying to find a place for my stuff amongst his stuff and the kids' stuff and then trying to incorporate 'our' stuff into the mix...

i'm also looking for a job. updating the resume. sending out applications...

the thing i hate most is looking for job. next in line is moving...

i've done them both in the last month. but i must say that it's been worth it thus far...

so i've gone coastal. who would have thought at the beginning of this year that i'd be living near the ocean in the woods with a husband and three kids...

life is filled with glorious change if we allow ourselves to be open to it...